Bacon: A Love Story
by Wolf Babies
Summary: ONESHOT Feggie, the child of Meggie and Farid, has a problem one night. Secrets will be revealed. Pigs will be fried. And a love story will begin...and end for that matter. All in less than 1700 words.


Disclaimer: I don't own Inkheart or any other such nonsense mentioned in that story. Or Winnie the Pooh. Or Crime and Punishment. Or Mickey Mouse. Or The Little Engine that Could. Or Bambi. Or Dora the Explorer

Author's Note: Yes, you are not in the Twilight Fanfiction area. Yes, this is still Wolf Babies. No, we are not hiding. No, we did not give up writing. Maybe, we will continue A Cullen Moment (at least one more chapter). Possibly, we got older. Yes, you are the weakest link goodbye.

Okay, now for those reading this. This is pretty much A Cullen Moment type story minus the Cullen. This is just A Moment. It's not serious in the least. Oh and Feggie is Meggie and Farid's baby (sort of, you'll see). Oh and there is also violence (kind of) and implied language (sort of)... Please hold your vomit if it sickens you and enjoy.

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Feggie sat at the table, lost and alone with a single book on his lap. He lifted the cover to reveal the first page. And, just as his mother, Meggie, had taught him, he began to read.

"'Holy Crap!' Piglet shrieked through the sweet child like land of the Hundred Acre Wood. 'I'm in some tough poop right now! Pooh get you lazy butt up here!'

_But Piglet had be wisped over the tall, beautiful tre-'_

Feggie stopped.

Oh my God, this book is so—

At that moment, Piglet, in all his piggy glory, flew from the pages and smacked Feggie in the face.

Feggie yelled, startled, and began to do back flips around the room like he normally does when something upsets him.

"Finally I'm out of the living heck! Woot!" The small pig squealed.

"Oh no worries you wouldn't be here long…" Feggie sounded menacing with flames bursting from his fingers.

His father, Farid, taught him well. Ever since he was a tiny infant, he had been burning to death beloved book characters. Ones such as The Little Engine That Could, Bambi, Rodion Romanovitch Raskolnikov and Mickey Mouse. And now, it was time for the pig to become breakfast.

Piglet shuttered in horror, but still not as scary as the time Pooh overloaded the toilet and the Wood reeked of Pooh's poo for days.

Feggie came closer with eyes a blazed, this noble boy went to take on the frightened pig. "I bet you're going to taste even better then Rodion Romanovitch Roskolnikov! We're eating good tonight!"

"OH SHIP!" Piglet screamed, as he attempted to bury himself beneath Feggie's bed. "I CAN'T BECOME BACON!"

It was then that Farid and Meggie walked through the door making a quick cameo appearance just so that the narrator can gloat in the summary that they're in this story.

"Hey, son!" Farid smiled, waving. "What's up?"

"Just burning a children's book character alive." Feggie replied. Farid's smile widened, he had taught him well indeed.

"Oh, well have fun, sweetheart. Just don't work yourself too hard." Meggie said as her and Farid left the room and closed the door behind them so no one would see the carnage.

"And now." Feggie turned to the pile of shivering blankets. He reached for the creature hiding beneath the flimsy shield. "Come on out and this will be less painful, I promise."

Piglet weighed his options and realized maybe if he came out now he could beg for mercy. But little did the animal know that Feggie had his fingers crossed!

Once it's face was clear, Feggie's hand swiftly flew at it, grasping the farm animal by the neck and hoisting it up into the light. Feggie watched as the sweat dripped down the pig's soft skin and fell upon the floor.

"Now! Beg for mercy, or perish!" Feggie shouted, holding Piglet higher into the light, until he near was within the glass ceiling light.

For a second, Piglet thought he saw goodness in Feggie's eyes. But then he realized that he was only waving to some creepy, scarred man creping just outside his bedroom window.

"Hi, Dustfinger! Look! I'm bringing home the bacon today!" Feggie beamed at him, while smashing Piglet's head into the light.

Dustfinger gave him a thumbs up of approval and vanished into the night, while in his mind he planned to return later for some fresh bacon.

But by some horrible fate the small pig caught fire before the begging had begun. Feggie shrugged and mumbled, "You work with what you've got."

He slammed Piglet to the hardwood floor causing a noise that was amplified through the house. Yet in the distance Feggie could hear the cheers of his parents as he beat the children's book character.

His heart filled with pride, the sounds of Piglet's pain only encouraged the cheers of his loved ones. "Back to business…" Feggie said very calmly.

Feggie smashed his steel-toe boots into the leg of the creature as it tried to crawl away. "Beg animal! Beg for your life! Plea for mercy!" Feggie's voice had dropped two octaves and a sinister laugh followed his demands.

"Please…" The plea was a near whisper, as the Piglet gazed up into Feggie's eyes, trying to pled his case.

He was only a pig. A piglet actually. He hadn't seen the great Woosle or played in the land of the Hufflelumps. He'd never eaten any of Rabbit's carrots, because Rabbit was a bass turd (like fish poop) and wouldn't let anyone eat from his garden.

"You know, I hate dragging this out." And so, Feggie held his hand to Piglet's face and burned him to a crisp. "Breakfast is served."

Farid couldn't wait any longer to see the true masterpiece his son had created. "Oh child of mine, who I love deary!" He raced to embrace his son now covered in soot.

Meggie rushed in after, "My baby slain his first Winnie the Pooh character. I'm so proud! You'll have to get on the phone and tell Mo!"

Feggie rolled his eyes, annoyed at his parents, "God, we all know there is only on flippin' opinion that matters to me."

Dustfinger walked in ever so slowly, his face bright, even brighter then that day he revealed his love for Farid.

"Feggie, my boy," Dustfinger began, putting his hand on his shoulder like the sort of, kind of grandfather he was. "I just wanted to say, I'm very prou-"

"The only opinion that matters is Fengelio!" Feggie finished his sentence, and turned to see Fengelio walking through the doorway. Feggie grinned and ran to him.

"Daddy!" Feggie yelled, hugging his actual father.

It was true, Farid and Meggie weren't his parents. Fengelio and Brianna were. It was a long story with a lot of alcoholic beverages, French toast, corndogs, and shower curtains. But that was a story for another day.

Today, Feggie wanted to know if his daddy approved.

"Oh, Feggie," Fengelio began. "It's time we let your 'parents' know the truth."

Meggie looked surprised, "Truth? Feggie, dear what truth?" Farid tried to comfort the now stunned Meggie.

Feggie sighed and started on a _long _tale on why all of this happened, why dinosaurs no longer walk the Earth and why flowers are red.

By the end of the story Dustfinger had fainted a total of nine times and the last one had simply put him down for the count. Meggie was sobbing in the corner of the room and Farid had gone to get Chinese take-out.

Fengelio looked over the very disturbed group, smiling at what he had done. He had been able to destroy a family in five minutes flat, usually it takes him a good three-part trilogy, but today he was on a roll.

The door of the house opened quickly and in walked Basta, wearing his usual panda suit. Then a meteor struck, and a lamp fell over, and Dasher was declared not a reindeer, and Dustfinger said his name was Frank, and the sky started raining liver and beets and –

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Mo woke up in a cold sweat. He looked quickly from side to side before falling back safely into his pillow.

"Note to self: never let Meggie marry Farid. Dasher will always be a reindeer."

Then Meggie walked in holding Farid's hand.

"OMG, DAD! Farid asked me to marry him and we're gonna have tons and tons of babies!"

"Yay!" Meggie and Farid cheered.

"NOOOO!" Mo fell to his knees.

The (Farid is a sexy beast) End

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Alternate Ending:

Then Meggie walked in holding a boy's hand.

"Hi, Dad. This is Dora the Explorer – I mean – Doria, and I love him and we're going to have babies!"

"Thank God! Dasher is safe!"


End file.
